Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
