my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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