Already got asked if we're dating
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
