i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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