If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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