I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
