I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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