I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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