oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
