I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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