Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
