So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize