If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
