I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
