sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
