I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
