After last night, I could never be a politician.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
