we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
