you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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