Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
