I wish I could teleport
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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