Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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