get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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