you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
