I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
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