he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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