i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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