i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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