My room smells like vodka and shame
I accidentally had phone sex last night
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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