Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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