Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
