I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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