Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
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