I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
