Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
