it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
