It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
