benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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