Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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