i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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