ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
