All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
