I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
