AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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