shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
