sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
