I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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