Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
