I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
