So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
