Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
