My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Ketchup is God's man juice
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
