it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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