Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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