i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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