So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
