My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize