I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
