the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
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