my mouth tastes like poor choices
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
