I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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